Glum yet glad..

Midterms push their heavy weight down into our lives, permeate and infect the world and leave me with a headache and a distinct feeling that the world is going to be pretty difficult to save.

Two days ago my Great Uncle sent me a letter - concerning my "revolutionary" tendancies - in an effort to remind me of where I have come from - and the priviledges I have had - thanks to my parents and him not having been revolutionaries. But I think this year continues to change me - and every day I feel that I am becoming more convinced that if you are not radical then you are simply fulfiliing and reproducing the status quo - a structure that yes - as my uncle reminds me - has been more than good to me - but a structure that exerts untold of injustice and cruelty to billions. I think I have sensed or felt this for several years now - in a hazy fuzzy sense that sees its first real beggers on the streets or watches emancipated children in Africa on her TV screen. But increasingly I begin to see it in the language that we use, in the legal framework we hold so much emphasis on, the representation of those same African children in relationship to us, the items that we buy and the maps that we draw.

To believe that we can stay in status quo seems to ignore the fact that a very particular set of people created this world that we live in, at very particular points in history. A very particular set of people continue to make it. To believe the status quo ignores the changes that occur daily in every single person's decisions, in their rituals that either re instate and reproduce what has come before, or begin to analyse and critique it. I acknowledge that I have had a priviledge - a priviledge that I can't ignore and can't ever really comprehend -- but it is because I have had that priviledge that I must act. Because every time I don't challenge the very structures that elicit such violence then I participate and reproduce their validity. I don't know anymore how revolution should occur. I'm not sure I even believe in revolution - but I believe in change. And I believe that we should attempt to make visible oppression and subordination within our society. If we realise that this very oppression and subordination is supported and controlled very often by the categorisation and grouping of people into categories and dichotomies that our state structures have put in place then yes - that demands radical action. Radical action and radical thoughts - not revolution because that means falling into the trap of using violence and attempting to overtake an already problematic system of power. It requires a more subtle challenge...

And this is what I find the most difficult - and the most heart renderingly problematic part. Every day I realise more and more the inherant problems within our system of knowledge and concept of state - even within my own vocabulary - within the questions that I ask and the logical conclusions that I draw -- within my very thought framework. And I realise that it is not enough to simply want to make the world a better place - and to act upon it. To do so, can lead to a reproduction of the very structural violence that has created the sadness of the world in the first place. So, I sit - feeling rather lost -- because yes - we require subtle changes and radical thoughts - but what exact action I can take to do this I still do not know. And how are we to best fight the cause? Is it wrong to use the word fight - or to consider it "the cause" as though I could place my finger on exactly what it was and as though "my cause" was in some way superior to any other cause. I want to end subordination. I want to begin to work towards questioning and critiqueing this world that we see around us. But I also want to be happy and have some precise definate action that I can take to help make the world better. I want to know what role I can play in this ending of subordination. Where is my place? Or where is anyone's place? How do we turn all the theory and critiques into reality? How do we make it practical?