What does two hundred bucks mean?

$200.


In Kakuma today it would solve my friend's housing situation. It would take away all his worries for the next two years. It would let me write an email in response to his requests for assistance and help - with something other than, "I'm sorry," "I'm so, so sorry." It would set up a business for the student who tried to commit suicide in my last week there. It would allow her to look after her 9 month old baby and live a sustainable life. It would stop the sex workers from selling their bodies. It would change almost every single one of my students' lives.

Yet, this sunny afternoon, Berkeley police pulled me over for running a stop sign on a bicycle at 2pm in the afternoon. And just like that, I was told I would be sent to court if I did not pay the fine. And just like that, California took $200 from me. And just like that, my whole inside screamed at how unfair the world is that I will be sending a check to Berkeley bloody Police department instead of to the refugee camp where it could make a difference.

And just like that, I hate America.

I hate America for its self righteous attitude to itself. I hate that many Americans believe offering health care to everyone is somehow an interruption of an individual's right to choose, yet, it is somehow acceptable for a police officer to enforce petty rules that charge pedestrians for crossing the street when there isn't a green man, or cyclists for running a stop sign, or campers for having a fire on a beach after 10pm.

I don't often get culture shocked - or rather, the last four years of my life have been one long culture shock. But I admit to total and utter disbelief, anger and incomprehension. I am stopped in my tracks by this fine of $200 and I have never felt so angry with America and more resentful that this is where I live.

Yes, I know tomorrow I will remember how lovely it is that I have California sunshine. You see, more than I hate America right now, I hate myself, because I know somehow I will find $200 for this bicycle fine, and yet somehow, I couldn't find another $200 for Kakuma. And that, my dear blog readers, makes me hate myself very very much.